Almost!

I almost gave up on myself this weekend ... 

Almost!

You see, I'm starting my 14th week of slamming my Apple rings shut but the last week I've done just enough to close them.  

I've been fighting with myself this last week over if I'm really worth doing all this work, if it will really make a difference, and if I can truly change my habits and be successful...

I struggle with letting myself FEEL my feelings and not just trying to eat them away.

I've been an emotional eater since I was 10 years old.  That's almost 30 years of looking to food to cure my pain and stuff my feelings away in that dark pocket in the back of my heart never to be let out, rediscovered or felt again.

We all know that's a lie though, right?!  Eating your feelings is a viscous cycle.  You eat because you feel pain, then you hate yourself for succumbing to stuffing your face so you figure why not just keep eating ... 

I'm not sure what happens in life that we decide its easier to pick food over dealing with your feelings or that you aren't worth making better choices for yourself.  

but who am I kidding.  Life.  Life is what happens.

It's picking up the pieces and believing in yourself that's the real challenge.

This morning I picked myself back up.  I danced away my self doubt with my youngest and ate a healthy breakfast after. 

I am worth it and so are you.  Whatever self doubt you have, make one decision today to overcome it.  One decision at a time is all it can really take. One positive decision. 

 

#pregnancytruths

I write to share.      (originally wriiten 1/2018)

Madilynn: Born at 33 1/2 weeks by emergency csection due to HELLP Syndrome. Stayed in the NICU 10 days before coming home at 4 lbs!

Paige: Born at 39 weeks via csection, struggled with breastfeeding for 6 weeks while Madie lost her mind with me out of commission. Incision infection requiring a drainage bag for 6 long weeks. PPD hit hard after this pregnancy.

HR: Born at 39 weeks via csection but actually went into labor so she was delivered about 10 hrs earlier than planned.  The hardest pregnancy of the 3 hands down. Went straight to bottle feeding but took weeks and several bottles to find the right one.

All 3 pregnancies and births were completely different and each had their own struggles but the biggest thing I’ve learned from them is to breath, get out of the house and see friends, and it’s ok to ask for help.

Everyone pictures having a newborn as this beautifully perfect picture but it’s not always so perfect. It can be ugly, painful, stressful, crazy, exhausting and emotional.

But that’s ok, it really is and it’s ok to admit it.

HR is almost 4 months old and still I answer honestly when asked how things are going ...

I’m surviving 💗

Ps: I wouldn’t be surviving if it wasn’t for my husband, close friends and my lovely Mops family!

#pregnancytruth

You can’t give from an empty tank

Yesterday I dropped off 4 children to school, 1 adult to work, 1 kiddo to Nana’s house, chatted with my friend on the ramp, stopped at the pharmacy for a medication called in and finally to work (over an hour window to get that all accomplished). 

Work was super busy and a little stressful but I actually love my job so that helps and the day went by fast. 

I then repeated my morning in reverse on the way home which usually takes me over an hour.  (minus the pharmacy stop and we ordered in so no one had to cook😉) 

My days are so full and my tank was almost empty. I realized my anxiety was suffocating me and I was giving more than my tank had. 

I needed a little help to remember how to breath. 

So I started counseling last night. Everything worked out that they had a late appt just calling my name. I was nervous to go but knew I needed it. I haven’t been to counseling in many years but I knew it was the best choice for right now. 

We talked about so much in such a small window of time. I realized some things that triggered me weren’t there anymore and I’d hadn’t taken the time to process that until last night. 

It was so freeing. That moment meant everything to me. It showed me that some decisions are almost unbearable but you can make them and come out on the other side better and stronger. 

I’m looking forward to this journey. It feels good to take a moment to breath deeply and meaningfully.  Life is full but it doesn’t have to be exhausting or suffocating or done alone. 

real life

Here is my livingroom.  If you look close you'll see I haven't swept nor corrected all my throw pillows (yes, I LOVE throw pillows but am desperately in need of new ones!)  You'll see all kinds of baby stuff on the ottoman, my box of Honest diapers covered by jackets and a play area for HR that has blankets draped all over the side.  There's also a pile of shoes surrounding my feet while I take this picture.

This is my life and honestly its probably the cleanest room in my house right now.  I do love a clean organized house but there's not always time.  You see I have 3 daughters and a life that can keep me busy most hours of the day.

I choose to hold my baby a little longer while she naps, let the girls play at the park after school, take long walks thru the neighborhood, watch a movie with the hubs, go to bible study and church, spend time with my girlfriends and even go to WW meeting to check on my progress and get some encouragement.

It's life and it's busy, messy, fun, stressful, and disorganized at times.  I'm terrible at keeping up with anything and when someone asks me where it is, I die a little inside wondering which "important spot" I put it in this time.

Maybe things will change as the girls grow older but even if it doesn't, I am sure I will survive with the crazy choices I make and the occasional yelling about how I can't have anything nice anymore hah!    

Sundays and pancakes

When I was little we would wake up every Sunday morning to the smell of warm pancakes and syrup being made by my dad.  It was the one morning he was in charge of the kitchen and I felt like he truly enjoyed making those pancakes for his family.  We would stuff our faces, dress in our Sunday best and drive to church.

We were at church "every time the doors were open" as the saying goes.  We went every Sunday morning, evening and on Wednesdays for the more relaxed services.  We went to every single potluck, birthday party, singing special, and mission trip.  My dad sang in choir, my mom helped in nursery and I went to all of the children activities and as I got older, the teen functions.

It's when I graduated high school that things changed for me.  I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders that I could not hold on my own yet I looked in all the wrong places for help.  I ended up working my young life away and moving away from church and the family/friends I once leaned so heavily upon.  This is where I made the most mistakes in life but God never gave up on me and that's the very honest truth.

So here I am, 38, married with 3 personality filled girls living in Chicago as a stay at home mom.  I still don't always make the best choices but after having my third daughter, I realized the Lord was really trying to get my attention to follow his path for me.

I started with baby steps of course because I can't make anything easy on myself.  I joined a local MOPs group.  This one small choice would change my life.  I fit in like a glove, like I had been there for years, like everyone already knew everything about me and loved me still.  It's in this MOPs group I would learn to find myself again and follow the path God has been pushing me towards.

I then decided to join the bible study at the church where our MOPs meetings are held.  This bible study is changing my life just as much as MOPs has but on a much deeper level.

Small changes can equal big rewards, right?! 

I think so!  

So I took my beautiful little ladies to church yesterday.  They were anxious as they've really never been to church other than when we visit my home church in TN so they were not sure what to expect.  One by one I peeled them off my body and into their Sunday School classrooms and made my way into service.  I took a deep breath and walked in.  They were singing one of MY FAVORITE songs!  Immediately I felt the Lords spirit and knew I was home.

Sundays for my family will be continuing my dads tradition and waking my girls up to warm pancakes and syrup before dresses them in their best and driving off to church.  

so much has happened ...

Wow!

It feels good to get these fingers moving again. 

 Kinda like fitting into a freshly washed pair of jeans: a little snug 

but once you walk around for a few minutes you become one and find comfort again.

I've done so much since the last posting.  I left martial arts training, got pregnant, had a miscarriage, starting Krav Maga, got pregnant again; then 9 months later gave birth to the most amazing little girl! 

She made our family complete and now we are responsible for 3 beautiful girls.

 

She's 6 months old now and I'm finally starting to get a little more sleep. 

Sleep is never as good as before you have kids but somehow we survive...

... Mistakes and all

I wonder sometimes why we are so hard on ourselves, like we should be and do everything perfect 24/7. 

That's not life, that's not living.  

We were meant to make mistakes, to try our hardest, to fall on our faces!  You see, if you never fall, how do you know how to stand?  How would you know happiness from sadness?  

You wouldn't. 

I've fallen and fought for a lot in my short life.  Fighting for what you want can be exhausting and just when you think of giving up, thats when you become the strongest and fight your hardest!

Negative thoughts can break us too. If you are always thinking you can't do something, you probably won't even try it in the first place.  Positive vibes go a long way!  Be your own cheerleader and believe in yourself! 

Living life is actually living it!  That includes mistakes and all!  It's called building good character! 😊❤️😎 #Kungfupanda 

(A video by my Sifu Freddie Lee and 2 of my training buddies talking about being hard on yourself  https://youtu.be/kDOMdStOTkQ )