Almost!

I almost gave up on myself this weekend ... 

Almost!

You see, I'm starting my 14th week of slamming my Apple rings shut but the last week I've done just enough to close them.  

I've been fighting with myself this last week over if I'm really worth doing all this work, if it will really make a difference, and if I can truly change my habits and be successful...

I struggle with letting myself FEEL my feelings and not just trying to eat them away.

I've been an emotional eater since I was 10 years old.  That's almost 30 years of looking to food to cure my pain and stuff my feelings away in that dark pocket in the back of my heart never to be let out, rediscovered or felt again.

We all know that's a lie though, right?!  Eating your feelings is a viscous cycle.  You eat because you feel pain, then you hate yourself for succumbing to stuffing your face so you figure why not just keep eating ... 

I'm not sure what happens in life that we decide its easier to pick food over dealing with your feelings or that you aren't worth making better choices for yourself.  

but who am I kidding.  Life.  Life is what happens.

It's picking up the pieces and believing in yourself that's the real challenge.

This morning I picked myself back up.  I danced away my self doubt with my youngest and ate a healthy breakfast after. 

I am worth it and so are you.  Whatever self doubt you have, make one decision today to overcome it.  One decision at a time is all it can really take. One positive decision. 

 

#pregnancytruths

I write to share.      (originally wriiten 1/2018)

Madilynn: Born at 33 1/2 weeks by emergency csection due to HELLP Syndrome. Stayed in the NICU 10 days before coming home at 4 lbs!

Paige: Born at 39 weeks via csection, struggled with breastfeeding for 6 weeks while Madie lost her mind with me out of commission. Incision infection requiring a drainage bag for 6 long weeks. PPD hit hard after this pregnancy.

HR: Born at 39 weeks via csection but actually went into labor so she was delivered about 10 hrs earlier than planned.  The hardest pregnancy of the 3 hands down. Went straight to bottle feeding but took weeks and several bottles to find the right one.

All 3 pregnancies and births were completely different and each had their own struggles but the biggest thing I’ve learned from them is to breath, get out of the house and see friends, and it’s ok to ask for help.

Everyone pictures having a newborn as this beautifully perfect picture but it’s not always so perfect. It can be ugly, painful, stressful, crazy, exhausting and emotional.

But that’s ok, it really is and it’s ok to admit it.

HR is almost 4 months old and still I answer honestly when asked how things are going ...

I’m surviving 💗

Ps: I wouldn’t be surviving if it wasn’t for my husband, close friends and my lovely Mops family!

#pregnancytruth

You can’t give from an empty tank

Yesterday I dropped off 4 children to school, 1 adult to work, 1 kiddo to Nana’s house, chatted with my friend on the ramp, stopped at the pharmacy for a medication called in and finally to work (over an hour window to get that all accomplished). 

Work was super busy and a little stressful but I actually love my job so that helps and the day went by fast. 

I then repeated my morning in reverse on the way home which usually takes me over an hour.  (minus the pharmacy stop and we ordered in so no one had to cook😉) 

My days are so full and my tank was almost empty. I realized my anxiety was suffocating me and I was giving more than my tank had. 

I needed a little help to remember how to breath. 

So I started counseling last night. Everything worked out that they had a late appt just calling my name. I was nervous to go but knew I needed it. I haven’t been to counseling in many years but I knew it was the best choice for right now. 

We talked about so much in such a small window of time. I realized some things that triggered me weren’t there anymore and I’d hadn’t taken the time to process that until last night. 

It was so freeing. That moment meant everything to me. It showed me that some decisions are almost unbearable but you can make them and come out on the other side better and stronger. 

I’m looking forward to this journey. It feels good to take a moment to breath deeply and meaningfully.  Life is full but it doesn’t have to be exhausting or suffocating or done alone.